by Elaina Lyons

I’m sitting in a crowded Starbucks, surrounded by teens who just got out of school. And I’m 7 and a half months pregnant.

I can’t help but think about where I thought I’d be at 30 when I was in high school versus where I actually am. When you’re young, you’re told to have a plan. Plans are the building blocks of success, after all. Create a plan, stick with the plan, and you’ll not only realize goals but find happiness too. It’s all in the plan.

When you’re young, you’re told to have a plan. Plans are the building blocks of success, after all.

Well, I had a plan. And let me tell you, it did not land me where I thought I’d end up. Some of my goals have been reached, it’s true. I published two books, including a novel that is the absolute biggest accomplishment of my life (besides this little bean I’m growing). Professionally, my life has been successful enough. I can and do provide for myself and I feel that I’ve cultivated a certain level of respect (hopefully).

But my life has been a zig-zag of U-turns, missed turns and last-minute turns. It’s been pivot after pivot (cue Ross from “Friends.”) It’s been adopting new goals I never thought I’d have and letting go of ones that became unrealistic or impossible. It’s been more disappointments and failures than I ever thought possible and a few successes that somehow made all of them worth the pain they caused.

If my 16-year-old self could see me now, I’d like to think she’d be proud of the woman I’ve become. But I also think she wouldn’t recognize me. We’re not the same person. Not in the slightest.

That question people ask is phrased incorrectly, I think. Instead of asking “What do you want to be when you grow up,” we should consider “Who do you want to be when you grow up?” Because in the years that pass between our youth and our growth, we will digress from any plans we made. And those digressions will become experiences. And those experiences will transform us into entirely new people with entirely new goals.

So here’s to ditching the plan and just living. And here’s to whoever we are in 20 years. May we love who we become.

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